Thursday, January 17, 2013

I Was Thinking

I know. That's usually the point at which *something* happens and then *sometime* later I find myself *somewhere* and I'm not entirely sure how I got there. I literally kinda wake up and have no idea how I got there only I'm never really asleep and, well, that's all...the rest is real...

Where was I? Ok, so I was in my new tub. Just being in the tub is an epiphany in and of itself. You should try it. Try it without the water and with your clothes on because I'm pretty sure most of you don't want to know me any better than that. Also, the "casters" Buddy made for the feet are having Physics problems. It's really great mathematics and stuff to explain the use of them by saying that they distribute weight/force (semaaaaantiiics) across the entire area of the the caster, but when the caster is a porcelain tile (actually two of them in a layer like the pyramids only not as awesome) that's been injected with the dye(s) that makes it look like slate then the biophysicist in you should say something like, "How certain are we that this material is consistent throughout?" Also, given that the upper and lower surfaces of said casters are not precisely smooth (since they are playing like they are slate), "How flat are the surfaces of the casters?"

The answer to both would be, "Not very." And that could be "bad." I was reclining in said tub ('member?). Each foot (oh noes, I think the tub's name is going to be Peg Leg if we don't work hard at something else) is squarely propped on it's tile casters except for this one that isn't there. I know, I left that out. It's there, but it isn't a claw foot like the others. It was missing. We looked for a single foot on eBay and Craigslist, etc. They were both hideously priced and difficult to classify as to type of attachment. So Dad and I gave all our options a thorough examination, declared ourselves stupid (because you can't fix that), and went with option two. Option two was to lop off a hunk of caruan which we've been toting around since the mid-90's and stand the posts of the fourth foot on that. In the back. So you don't notice (but you know it's there).

At this point, I am still reclining. You know that sound you hear when ice is about to break and you're standing on it? "Tick." "Criiiick." It's a really crisp sound. And, apparently, porcelain makes a very similar noise. And this is the point at which I lost my mind.

I blame stress. It is conveniently located. I could also blame my friend Drea. She is conveniently located as well but we have a not-so-secret telepathy project we're working on. I think it worked. I really thought for a second that the tub was going to tip on that corner like it did the whole time it was being refinished. I had a shockingly, amazingly white but at the same time gorgeous vision of myself rolling...we'll call it west, ok?...and ending up like my favorite egg dish in a giant pool of water. And a momentary flash of Drea saying, "Well. (*sniff*) That was lovely." Then, she'd make that face.

So I started to laugh really, really hard and I bumped the tub and immediately woke up from my momentary insanity or telepathy (which sounds way better) and started to think about how I might get out of there because even though I'd be the one naked and wet and cleaning everything up in the middle of the night. You-know-who would still be cursing the placement of that (stupid therefore unfixable) pegged foot.

I decided I should check it before I got out. When I was scrambling around under the tub placing the casters and the peg the day before, I was told to push it more toward the far wall, but if you're actually seated in the tub, the two points where the tub sit on the peg, are exactly on the very edge of the block/peg now rather than the center (which was the goal of pushing it toward the wall). So, I sit here totally confused. They make rulers for this. And even though I could have looked at the casters to determine their state...I am pleading female-ish-ness so as not to be totally at whatever when we see what is up under there.

Pegleg. No. Tripod. No. Gimpy? Tippy? Ohhh cripes no.

For reasons I hesitate to describe, I'm leaning toward "The Cauldron." Just based on the noise. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment