Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things That Never Would Have Occurred To Me

1. My running shoes make a great storage unit for Lego's.
2. Someone other than me--and male--in my house might consider it perfectly acceptable to wear my underwear.
3. Peeing on the playground is just like marching off to pee in the solitude and seclusion of the dense piney woods.
4. Brothers will do anything and everything to each other, but also for each other. Just because they can.
5. Kato is the best f****** ninja alive (or not alive--I don't know) and still apparently to be greatly feared. I'm terrified, I tell you. He'll be the death of me.
6. Safety scissors. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
7. Only your children know what your most prized possession is. You don't. They do. Then they use it to reproduce those ill-fated Ginsu knife commercials on iPod video.
8. That in the interest of dealing with more important disasters I'd reach the point I'd rather vomit and get it over with. Screw this Mickey Mouse nausea crap. That is saying something for me.
9. Living under a bridge has the very appealing side effect of being technology free and no longer living the illusion that you have no money. Nothing beeps, dings, whistles, piles up, and no one any longer insists that you use your $2 to pay them $2, 546.78. I kid you not when I see things around and think, "I'll keep that. It'll fit in my pack when I'm under the bridge." Surreal idiotic happiness....along with the other depressing stuff which is already here.
10. In lieu of Kleenex, there are adjacent family members and an established hierarchy for who receives the intended load. After a while, when a certain "snotface" is recognized all family members will run. Loser gets the loogey. This is how we have fun in the country.
11. The disposal. Kid tested-grandfather replaced.
12. That Cheez-itz could get under the fitted sheet on the bed. They are possibly being stored there? *speechless*
15. If you dye your hair blonde and your kid paints it you could end up looking like modern art. For...a while. Or Sinead O'Connor. Your choice.
16. Once you have a boychild your boobs will never be your own. Even if you never breastfeed them. They are either laying on them, mangling them, testing their viscosity, or using them for a punching bag. Beware the approaching index finger.
17. The earliest time your most unmanageable child bursts forth from the bed in the a.m. crying to the hills with joyful abandon that he is ready to take on the world --or-- that the world has affronted him greatly and he shall attack it with his own head is inversely proportional to the number of hours of sleep you need and pretty much equal to the hours of sleep you got. The rule # hrs of sleep = never enough is always true. Then you die. If he asks, "Mommy can I be awake now?" the answer is NO! Duh. His verbiage is his problem on that one.
18. "I'm sorry, what?"  "Could you say that again?" "I'm not entirely sure I understand the situation." and "Run that by me one more time." Can save you approximately 2-20 minutes before dissolving into total lunacy.
19. Normal people (and by that I mean the shiny happy people who's live aren't a carnival of multiple daily disasters) are, for the most part, boring. I guarantee if you are interesting at all your life either is or was once a disaster or catastrophically awful once for one reason or another. You've got at least a bit of the crazy.
20.Thank you, Netflix for teaching my son what a lesbian was. Sort of. As in, "Mommy how do you say l-e-s-b-i-a-n?" I fudged a little on the explanation. Until later. Why you think our choices indicate any of us enjoy gay or lesbian selections is beyond me...but...yeah. It's been real.

The crazy will get you.

21. Oh oh oh...and when I watched the Private Practice episode about the parents who locked their kid inside a hockey mask b/c he had pica and was eating dangerous things and everyone was down on the parents. I was, like, SO? I mean, I've never considered the facemask part, but I don't watch hockey (and no, I don't know who Jason is other than a horror movie reference). It WOULD protect the nose. Just sayin'...we've been there....for other reasons...

Yeah...it's like that...