Saturday, December 22, 2012

What a Disappointment

We're all still here.

Frankly, I was hoping all this hoo haa with the Mayan calendar and those nimrods on YouTube forecasting the end of all existence yesterday had a teensy bit of truth to it. I mean really, I know where I'm going. My family, too. So, for us, there is a palpable knowledge that we do not belong here.

That being said, it certainly would make balancing our books and juggling chemo and doctor appointments and all that jazz much easier if we just didn't have to do it anymore. Right? And when it gets right down to it, I'm done dealing with my frizzy hair and that suspect toenail and really and truly I want to know what's been going on in Beanstalk's mind for the last 10.5 years. I want to talk to him! I want to hear what he's thinking, what he likes, what he wants to do, what it was like for him those long years. I'm not suicidal, I'm simply human. And "tryyyy mooooore" doesn't always do it for me, you know? He told me he loved me and called me mom Christmas of 2010. That was it. Aside for cookies, music, and chips, I don't have more clues into his verbal mind. And I want to see him run free of orthotics and braces and really break free.

I want to pick the mind of my relatives and ask what they were thinking when they were doing certain things. I want to see my grandfather again. He'll probably be mowing. Who cares. I'll mow with him.

I want to see my friend Mel's baby Tal whole and alive again. Not enough words to describe that.

I want to put down all this meaningless crap and lay in the sun until I am simply ready to do something else. Sit in trees. Wade in streams. Swim in oceans. Take my kids skiing. Hike, run, cycle, dance until we can't stand up. Sing until we have no voices left.

I want to see my mother whole again. Not stranded in her bed a victim to Lupus and depression. I want to know her as she was before I met her. The girl who achieved so much in high school and college. I want to see her when her spirit was really alive.

I want to run over landscapes of gold and green just for running's sake. Canoe. Paint. Sculpt. Smell flowers that I've never seen before.

I know all these things are coming in time. I can be patient and allow time to reach its fullness. I can endure the time necessary for all this to come to fruition.

But how awesome if it had occurred on Friday!

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