Thursday, July 4, 2013

Lists Are Good For People

10 Things I No Longer Give a Flying Rat's Ass About

1. Separating laundry loads by white versus colored (blue or red). Suffice it to say that I don't wear red or blue and even if I did, my general theory is that if it can't be washed in the same load, on the same temperature, at the same agitation speed, and dried on the same setting....then forget about it. I'll give it to Squib and he'll make something out of it. Dry clean fabric included.

2. Beauty products. Any of them. This is not to say that I don't have them because I do. It's just that preening yourself for thirty minutes (or more) in a mirror everyday is primarily a waste of time and secondarily...fake. Also, all the shampoos and conditioners and crap has never really done much for me except for Phomollient from Aveda. So I have shampoo (I forget what kind), Dawn, and my Phomollient. Oh, and Lubriderm and a razor. Dawn because I get very, very, very dirty. Drain the tub and start over dirty. Lubriderm because I'm in the sun a lot. I don't want to look like a prune by the end of the year. There was a time in my life when I actually shopped at a makeup counter instead of the shampoo and cleaning products aisles at Walmart. However, things change.

3. Schedules. Over the last ten years, the lives of my children have rocked everything I ever knew, thought, wanted, and didn't want down to the bedrock and beyond. But with t18p and nf1 kids comes a life of total chaos. You can be IN the shower with the soap on your body and the shampoo in your hair and have to get out RIGHT. THEN. PERIOD. Yes, I've rinsed my hair in the sink in the ER at Texas Children's Hospital. Then, my life expanded to include my mother (Lupus and Crohn's disease) and my grandparents (Cancer x6. Seriously. Six different kinds between them. Or was it five? They all run together.) Point is, about all you can try to do is sketch out a rough diagram of who should drive which car the next day. Dad and I manage that rather well. The last time we scheduled anything was the winter of 2012 and the night before we were to leave I spent the night on my bathroom floor with the worst stomach virus of my life. We had been trying desperately to plan all sorts of things. After Dad dragged me (literally) into the Big Red House to stay, we pretty much resolved to forget the planning stuff. When friends plan things, I say "sure, I'd love to come" and enter it into my calendar and then laugh like a hyena.

4. This one is hard to find a name for. People expect you to believe a certain way in certain situations. I just came to a place in life where I no longer really care what's expected if a better option is available that is just as good. For example, no I didn't report some kids for introducing a local student as recently immigrated from Russia. I just assigned a writing assignment that was due at the end of the hour and told him he could write in Cyrillic. At least this way I got to enjoy the class period, too. I also got them situated with a laptop so they could talk via Google translate. They were squirming. It was the best day I've ever had in a classroom (non-educationally speaking).

5. Language. When everyone else stops saying, "Gosh darn it my stupid elbow freaking hurts," then I'll stop saying, "My fucking elbow hurts, dammit!" The physicist--who argues against profanity--cannot logically argue that "crap" and "shit" are any different at all when you get right down to it...biblically I guess. You should refrain from the action (anger, loss of self control, etc.) more so than the word itself. However, there are times to avoid certain profanity as "fuck" is not so acceptable in public as, say, "darn." Of course I know all that and I'm not standing on the roof of the high school screaming profanities. I'm just bumping my elbow in my own house when there are no kids around. Beanstalk knows the "F word" only because they told us there was no really good way to know if he was completely deaf. We thought employing a little Murphy's Law would be advantageous. Well....he hears just fine with his one good ear.

6. "The Way Things Are Done." You know, if you've got a bee in your bonnet to take on the laundry room and wash everything and clean it up? More power to ya. Or tackle the hall/guest bathroom? More power to ya. Want to clear out some clutter? You do not need my permission. I will hunt happily in peace for whatever gooferdangle was so darn important that I don't even know where it is now. People are always asking, "Where do you want this?" I simply have no answer other than "down" or "away." And we are always having to adapt our ways of doing things. So, there is no such thing around here as "the way things are done." When I help out in the kitchen at church they're always taking things away from me or bodily shoving me away from the sink or the stove with wide eyes. "She doesn't know how we do things!" "Just get a plate and take a seat, honey. Enjoy!" You know it's bad when they start handling you. LOL.

7. The toilet seat being left up. Frankly, if any woman in her right mind gave it one iota of thought, leaving the seat up is your best defense to what is truly the nastiest thing on earth and that's sitting down on a seat that hasn't been wiped clean after your 7-yr-old has been playing target practice with something that wasn't even inside the toilet. Srsly. It's pretty easy to train them to leave it up. If you put it up when you are done, then....viola! They just have to do their thing and wipe up (most of the time).

8. That stupid concept that I will A). become independently wealthy and move into my own monstrous home again and B). that prince charming will find me. Finally. The slow poke. I'm not giving up on the bare bones of these concepts, but when I say bare bones I'm talking about making enough money to get by and maybe getting involved with someone I (and my family) won't kill inside six months. The job thing I am actively working on. Actually making money again is surprising after so long. Just some hoops to clear still. Defined, doable hoops. Step one, two, three, etc. kind of thing. The other thing? Attrition may actually shoot him first just to see his exact level of commitment. I was thinking a first date cleaning out the chicken coop would be less traumatic. Well, unless dad is his date. Either way, that's labeled "B" for "back burner." It's going to have to fall out of the sky. As for the monstrous house? No thank you. Just forget that. I don't want to clean it.

9. Hairdresser, fingernail, toenail people/places......mani/pedi haircut stuff. The people are all very nice. It's really the whole idea that the weekly ritual is necessary that I just can't chew on. No, I do not have my hair professionally cut by anyone. So far, I get lots of compliments. Always have. I used to get my nails done regularly and besides the money (and OUCH there) it was a huge waste of time. Where we live now, I don't understand how people that have the financial worries we do and they do can even afford to do all that. Besides, I'd give my manicure about five minutes of outdoor work and I'd need another one. If I was trying to repair something, I might clip the darn things off because they were in my way.

10. Fear. Yeah! Surprise! A meaningful entry in this litany of mostly useless crap. Fear just up and ruined my life. Yes, I allowed it to. And that was my fault. I thought if I just told someone that I needed help that they'd help me and I'd be fine. That isn't how it works. You eventually have to fight your own battles. I didn't know how to fight. I'd never been taught. I was unequipped. I tried anyway. I didn't know what that thing I was battling was. I was definitely fighting. I just didn't know what with. So yes, I'm done with fear, TYVM. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.


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