Saturday, August 14, 2010

Four Hours of Wonderful

I promised you didn't I? Just yesterday. I promised "happiness, sweetness, and light."

I'll be honest. I'm having trouble scraping that up without talking about something I'm just not ready to talk about with you or anybody else. What I AM ready to talk about is the ridiculousness of my day because yet another one of those things has happened to me. But what preceded the precipitating event of this ridiculous day was, actually, four contiguous, uninterrupted hours (maybe more) of wonderful. And that's all you get to know about that. So there. **pfffftt**

So, imagine if you will, four uninterrupted hours of pleasantness, happiness, sweetness, light, what have you...and then you discover that you are suddenly without phone. Your iPhone to be exact. The brains of your operation. The one that you have provided to you for work. And now you get to replace it on your dime. Ouch.

Before you all shriek and ask if I tried to track it, yes I did. First, it was fully charged only a few hours before I noticed it missing. So...plenty of battery. Also, location services, mobile me, etc. were all on. When I tried to call it, it mysteriously kicked straight over to voicemail. Shouldn't have done that at all. By the time I got to tracking it, it didn't even show. Hmmmm.

I'm not sure what chapped me most. It's either the loss of the phone -or- the fact that I had finally found an Otter box case that came in pink and they only make them for the iPhone 3GS and now I have an iPhone 4. To heck with the phone! I want my pink case! **momentary pout** Now, all I have is this pitifully empty pink belt clip that is totally useless. I probably won't ever be able to throw it away because it is the "accessory that could have been." I searched for a pink accessory for a FULL YEAR. Found it. Promptly lost phone. Now the search must begin again. **whine** Buddy says, "Good. Pink is gross and unprofessional." I say, "Stick it where the sun don't shine. If they came in Monet or Renoir or Degas, then I would look for THAT. But, lets get real here."

So...this morning I woke up (without an alarm clock--which is on my iPhone) and began to retrace my steps of the night before in broad daylight. I returned to the restaurant where I ate. Gave a wary eye to the staff. Pleaded. Begged. Talked to the very busboy who bussed my table. Stared hard at him, but, alas, I am not threatening in the least. Not. One. Bit. I considered tackling him right there and pinning him to the ground and simply beating a phone out of him, but he may not have had it. Besides, he was huge and in addition to not being scary or the least bit threatening, I am a tad short.

Long story short--ok perhaps long. After scouring the golf course, I headed first to the AT&T store where Rene just loves to see me coming. Bless his tidy little slacks and wingtips. He was wearing a T-shirt!! After I peeled myself off the floor boards because I thought Rene was born in a long-sleeved shirt and tie (which always tend toward shades of purple), I wanted to take a pic, but was without camera (that, too resides on said phone). The first words out of his mouth were, "FedEx isn't even coming here today." This is a bit of a private joke and a bit of a threat. So...

They were out of iPhones. Still. He gave the tracking thing a whirl. Nada. I asked about the likelihood the phone would be returned. He snorted. I reported it missing "officially." We couldn't do a remote wipe...probably because the phone was either dead by then or the sim card was missing...which means I spent two hours this evening changing every password I know. And that's a lot. We niggled around with the account and figured out which number was eligible for an upgrade so that I could save some money, blah, blah, blah, and then I set out in search of an iPhone.

And ended up at the apple store in the mall.

I abhor the mall.

It isn't that I don't like new things or buying stuff. It's the salespeople, I guess. Taken individually and off work, they are probably tolerable people (everyone has to make money sometimes), but when they leap out at you from behind every kiosk telling you how beautiful your skin is and that they could take care of that dead skin that is only enhancing your wrinkles, you really want to come off half-cocked and clobber one of them. Hard. Right in the powder puff.

I finally made it through the onslaught and into the store. It was like Bastogne. When the apple store looks like the aid station, there is a problem.

It took a full ten minutes just to get in the right line. The line was so long that it stretched around the iPads (danger!!!) through the macbooks (not a temptation) and all the way around the iPhone table. So I played with everything for upwards of an hour. Or so. Made the high score on Skee-ball on seven different iPhones. Go me! Started playing some other games opposite another customer waiting in line ahead of me. He trounced me best 3 out of 5. Left some blatant messages advertising Turf Wars...because more players is just more fun. Took some strange pics. Saved the other customer's place while he bought drinks for him, his wife and myself. Celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, they had a child, and shortly before the young one entered kindergarten two spots opened and it became our turn.

It took them all of five seconds to actually sell me the phone. Which they could have done an hour or so earlier.

Now is when things get surreal. The line that could be upgraded didn't belong to me...sooooo...I had to go and get the phone that could be upgraded (another iPhone, but a 3GS not a 4) and drag it back to the AT&T store with me. This involves two-and-a-half hours of driving, pleading and begging on the part of the five-yr-old, and blood-sworn promises, etc. He is quite the negotiator.

When I get to the store, they are hip-deep in people. And some of those people are a sight to behold. I couldn't help but watch one woman in particular. She had to be every bit as old as I am. Blonde, in shape, tan, and dressed only in a man's dress shirt that has everyone in the place staring at her backside because we're not altogether sure it's gonna stay covered. That thing had to be glued into place. Add to that the fact that she is hanging off a guy that I would have thought was her son if she hadn't been fawning all over him the whole time.

I am not knocking fawning. It has it's place. But that place is not the AT&T store for and hour-and-a-half! With no britches. Holy smokes. Serious cougar problems up in there.

Finally, Rene is free. Yippee. First he says, "You see that old lady with the shirt?" I contemplate "old" with respect to my aged frame of reference. "You mean withOUT the pants?" "That's the one," and I do believe he giggled.

It was at this point that I looked down and realized that I was walking about (for God knows how long!) with a button undone on my blouse at chest-level. So, I casually button it and look for an escape hatch in the wood floor. There is none. I am forced to continue as though nothing has happened. Rene looks like he swallowed a live chicken.

And this is basically what takes place next: First, new phone is given Buddy's phone number. Second, Buddy's old phone (which I drove so far to get) is given my number. Third, new phone is then given my number (yeah...why?). And finally, old phone is then given Buddy's phone number (Again. Just like it was before). So...$64,000 question: Exactly why did I have to drive all the way out to Green Acres to get Buddy's phone???!!!???

In between the second and third sentence was a slight skirmish over the fact that the phones in question were insured to the teeth and that said insurance was purchased with this very scenario in mind and since I had shelled out the dough to get the phone, the least they could do would be to give me the iPhone 4 with my own number and Buddy the 3GS with his number because Buddy will have a hissy fit over the 4 because of this one thing he read on the Internet...even though it isn't really true.

Having lived through Bastogne to reach the apple store, this skirmish was nothing and I probably was very, very scary at this point. That, or Rene was very grateful for the peek at my purple bra before I decided to button my blouse. Who can say?

The coolest part about this whole thing was that just yesterday I found a child support check for $412.50 that I had never deposited. And today I really needed that.

Kinda cool how things work out like that sometimes...with half left over!


  1. As my dear old Grandpa used to say, "Uff da!"
    So, any pictures of Lady Gag-Gag from the AT&T store? :-)
    -Merriwether, who is much older than you.

  2. I sooooo should have taken a picture, shouldn't I? I was seriously stricken stupid by the whole thing. I hate it when I miss moments like that.