Thursday, June 17, 2010

The "Dang it, Butthead!" Episode

  Every once in a while I take my children out in public. Quite a lot, actually, but lately they are actually using those minds of their own and it can be wonderful, funny, creative, and then altogether terrifying. Lately, mostly terrifying.

  I took Squib to Kroger after going to the doc for his last round of shots and they are **still** remodeling. For the safety of their patrons, they are using cones to direct traffic and alert those of us not sure of our footing to various hazards along the way, but to tell the truth, it really does look like a race track for four-year-olds. So, we enter Kroger and Squib gets glassy-eyed and says, "Mommy, it's like Cars!!!! Vroom-vroom!!!" And he's off...No matter how many times we go in there he reacts the same every time and I keep discussing it with him and we lock eyes and I say "repeat after running away in the store" and he repeats and swears and crosses his heart and everything except an actual exchange of blood (which is coming next).

  Needless to say, he zoomed off and I had to firmly buckle him into that plastic truck-cart-thing again. I think he actually mumbled something to the effect of, "Mommy is never going to trust me again." And I said, "You are right about that, sir."

  On to the deli section where they are creating what can only be described as a cavernous void where the ceiling once was. It is the same size with regard to square footage, but works far better as an echo chamber (chamber...chamber.......chamber.............chamber). Am I annoying you yet? Good, because as we pulled into the produce section behind the deli, Squib began his cavernous void testing protocol which includes a range of varying frequency beeps, blips, and eeps designed to test resonance, echo, reverberation, and general maximum effect. Meanwhile, little did I know, he was pondering what thought to throw into the cavernous void because, after all, cavernous voids must be filled. So...there I was picking through the romaine to the tune of happy chirping and tweeting and wondering how soon I could get through the spelunking part of my shopping trip when Squib erupted with his profound thought--the profound thought to be cast into the cavernous void.

  And it was:

  "Dang it, Butthead!!!!!"

  Only he gave it more depth, breadth and syllables than it was ever meant to have and I turned into a pillar of salt and blew under the cantaloupe mound so no one could see this heathen's mother. When I emerged, my first question was "That was all you could think of? Very eloquent. You have these fantabulous acoustics and all you can come up with is dang it, butthead--which I don't approve of you saying at all for any reason you-are-grounded-from-television-until-the-cows-come-home, by the way--for your personal three-word statement. Not "I am the king!" or "Let the wild rumpus start!" or "Behold Prince M****** G****** M******* (name withheld) the Prince of the East Texas Pine Forest!" but "Dang it, butthead!" ???  ?   ?

  He actually did think about it, but all he could come up with as an alternate was, "I lost my baseball?" Yes, he said it with the question mark. And then timidly, "What would you say, Mommy?" I replied, "I am Mommy, the destroyer of worlds...get back in your plastic truck."

  Profound silence reigned for at least three whole minutes (this is an eternity...well, three of them) until the timid voice asked again, "Are the cows coming home before or after Dr. Who?"

So cute I could squeeze him...and squeeze him...and squeeze him :)


  1. "Are the cows coming home before or after Dr. Who?" Kids.... the know how to work their cute magic.

  2. Oh, this one really really works it. He's been workin' the cute since he first laid eyes on me. Blinked those baby blues and said "Mama, I'm not reeeeaaaaalllyyy sleepy." Zzzzzzzzz. :)